Everybody hates us for some reason.

My favorite Music From 2011

2011-12-23T18:53:00.002-05:00

The Prince as returned to regal all of you with my opinions. Here are my favorite albums released this year, and a good one it was, especially compared to a rather weak 2010. In no particular order:

City and Coulour, Little Hell

A wonderful release, that quickly became my second favorite City and Colour album, high lighted by the title track "Little Hell"

Tyler, The Creator, Goblin

Not recommended for the faint of heart, Tyler and the Odd Future Gang made me a believer in hip hop again, even though this follow-up doesn't quite live to it's precursor, but "Yonkers" is a tight track.

Into It. Over It., Proper

Fell in love with this guy in the past couple months, and his first "official" release did not disappoint, check out "Discretion and Depressing People".

Manchester Orchestra, Simple Math

One of my favorite bands for a lot of reasons, this album seems to tie together all of their talents, and "Pensacola" is a really fun song.

The Dear Hunter, The Color Spectrum

This not only is great "album" but an impressive release, as it is actually 9 EPs and a total of 36 songs (and a rather handsome vinyl set) which i think truly does represent each color of the visible spectrum very well. "Lillian" of the violet EP is probably my favorite song from the set.

Owen, Ghost Town

The latest release of the legendary (in certain circles) Mike Kinsella, was nothing short of vintage Kinsella, with 9 seamless tracks that to me capture what Owen has been all about, with "Oh, Evelyn" leading the way.

Brian Wilson, In The Key of Disney

Beach Boys? Check. Disney? Check. Wonderful. "Kiss the Girl" could double as a classic Beach Boys song.

Protest The Hero, Scurrilous

The much anticipated follow up to the hugely successful Fortress, PTH takes it in a different direction on their third album but I would say it was a very good direction, with "Dunsel" representing the name Scurrilous admirably.

That's all I've got. All the other albums were bad.

Garlic Goes First

2011-10-13T15:56:00.001-04:00

Garlic goes first. They huddle close in a feeble phalanx with their children in the center, but no matter…I’m used to breaking up families. I rip the parents away from their sons and daughters and begin smashing them with the side of a blade. Bile oozes from their pale flesh as I tear off broken armor, and I make the young ones watch me cut mommy and daddy to pieces. Big pieces, mind you. I can’t have them burning up before the others are ready.

The kids go back in the dungeon to rot without anyone to keep them warm or safe, and I turn my attention to this onion. Her body is firm, yet jaundiced, and her figure is almost perfect. I found her cowering in the corner of a dark bin. Imagine it: all day long your brothers and sisters are kidnapped right before your eyes, and you can’t but lie there powerless to stop it. You end up left by yourself, with only the thoughts of a murdered family and your own imminent death to comfort you. She’s waited long enough. With deft precision I scalp her, then take off her feet and slice her in half. Her skin gives me trouble, but only for a moment, and I score her body with speed and symmetry before chopping her into a fine mulch.

I’ve prepared a great hot pit for my friends, so in they go with just enough olive oil to make breathing difficult. I turn up the heat, douse them in salt, pepper and oregano, then step back and watch blood rend from flesh. When the cries of torment have persisted long enough, I add tomato paste into the mix and let them all fry together until they’re well acquainted. The misery is palpable now, and it’s almost time for the final guest. But not yet.

Sausage falls limply over the others, pressing their bodies close to the scorching bottom and smothering them in a foul new grease that reeks of countless unknown horrors. I give the sausage a flip once their milky skin begins to char, and after a brief mechanical struggle I’ve readied the final victims. Tomatoes steeped in their own entrails and excrement cascade into the pit, drowning the others all too quickly.

I don’t know if they believed in anything, but I believe in God, so I decide they deserve a proper funeral. I spread more salt, pepper and herbs on their remains, then pour some red wine over them, as well as a pinch of sugar. Such is tradition. In an hour’s time, I’ll taste the procession to make sure I’ve performed the rites properly, and if not there will be more salt and pepper. Two hours after that, this service will end with garlands of parsley and basil, and my deed shall be complete. Amen.

Cloistered Lament

2011-09-23T02:37:00.001-04:00

Cloistered Lament

On this fiefdom live cattle- the chattel I own,

But none genuflect, nor erect me a throne.

Too busy they are, with frivolous aims

Of feasting and fun- provincial claims

To remains on the sandy bottom.

A shame it is, they do not know;

This wealth I wield, I cannot show,

For if I did, the sea would steal

And leave my emptied loins to grow – another,

But time is slow, and tide is low.

Fuck the Throne.

2011-08-13T19:57:00.004-04:00

Last week, Jay-Z and Kanye West released a very shiny new album called "Watch the Throne." This is arguably the most hyped tape of the year, and in many ways it lives up to its name and the allure surrounding it. One way it does not, however, is in regard to its overall lyrical content. The raps sound pretty weak, in my opinion, and further inspection of them only makes things worse. Kanye West often sounds like he legitimately forgot how to rap, and Jay-Z sounds about as good as he always has, which is to say mediocre at best. It's sort of pathetic really, that these two think they're the best there has ever been, yet they can't seem to rap about anything besides being rich and black. If you want to claim "The Throne", why not try capping off your long successful careers with something that really proves it? Sonically speaking, this is a pretty incredible album, and it's obvious that West hasn't lost his touch at the boards, but c'mon guys, we get it- you have lots of nice things. It's too bad all that money can't buy creativity.

All of that said, Niggas in Paris is obnoxiously awesome.

A few weeks after "today"

2011-06-19T02:54:00.003-04:00

The side walk is stained blue where MikeBeta puked. NotGramps got arrested for admitting he was the one who abused MikeBeta. I tried to swallow a balloon full of Gatorade too, but it popped in my mouth and I nearly choked on the rubber but my Uncle Ricky saved me and my mother grounded me for a week.

I've been making myself vomit all over my room to spite her. Roast-beef vomit rules.

The day after "today"...

2011-06-11T17:36:00.004-04:00

Today, I fed MikeBeta a water-balloon filled with blue Gatorade and punched him in the chest. We've learned that blue vomit turns purple when it has blood in it.

Purple vomit rules.

Today

2011-05-19T00:54:00.002-04:00

I drank a lot of Gatorade and made myself vomit in public. Blue vomit rules.

The Tale of Unicorn Boy

2011-05-19T00:14:00.008-04:00

It was a very long time ago, in the Prussian meadows. The unicorns and the men had just found themselves in a time of peace, after centuries of quarrelling. Senseless quarrelling, Unicorns cannot rule the land; they don’t have any fucking hands. In this time of peace, a strange thing happened. On the night of her thirteenth birthday the young serf girl, Gertrude Schlampe, went to the fields where unicorns roam, with the purpose of breaking her sacred hymen, against her evil uncle, Hahn Schwuchtel’s strict orders. He kept her prisoner in the barn, making her fellate him whenever he pleased, then only to ejaculate his rich semen into her beautiful eyes. This night, her thirteenth birthday was different. Gertrude had fallen in love, in love with a majestic and mighty beast the mightiest of all the unicorns, one called Riesenschwänze.

Riesenschwänze, ravaged her virginal vagina, he fucked her from the front, from the back “doggy-style”, in her ass and until with one final, mighty thrust he jizzed so much it filled her entire vagina and uterus with his glittery Unicorn cum. She would never talk to him again, because he was an asshole and didn’t call her.

On that night something amazing happened, on that night an amazing feat of nature occurred, Gertrude was pregnant with the seed of the mighty Riesenschwänze. She carried this seed until one warm spring day, a child with the face of the unicorn was born, fittingly to be named Unicorn Boy. He had the body of a boy, but his face, mostly his eyes seemingly masked with a glittery mix of purples and pinks, was the laughing stock of the whole town.

Unicorn Boy, because of he was different was often picked on at school, by his peers and teachers, who called him names like, faggot, cocksucker and pussy. He never got laid by any girls, not even the fat slutty ones, or the ugly ones with low self esteem. This frustrated the half-beast and one day he ran away to the unicorn fields, the same very place he was conceived. Here the bastardized lad finally met his father, Riesenschwänze. He could now ask the questions that had burned his soul for 20 years, “Father, why don’t the people like me? Why won’t the girls get in bed with me?” Riesenschwänze was very wise. He told the boy that if he was to get ass he must take it whether the girls wanted it or not! He had the blood of the mightiest creature in all of the land in his veins and he could fuck anyone in the whole world! Oh the excitement that filled Unicorn Boy!

That night on the stroke of midnight, he would make his move. He descended upon the village and broke right into the home of Hündin Schlampig, the girl of his dreams. When he entered her bedroom, to his surprise, she was waiting; her pussy was spread like a little whore, as if she knew he was coming. “Why are you sitting here spreading your vagina like a little slut?” Unicorn Boy nervously asked. “I do this every night, I wait for you Unicorn Boy, I lust for your half-breed genitalia to be inside of me, to punish me.” This scared Unicorn Boy and he wanted to run away. “Don’t run away”, she said, “come here and fuck my slutty pussy, before I call my father in.” her father was a big evil man, for he was Hahn Schwuchtel, his mothers evil uncle. Unicorn Boy decided to sleep with Hündin that night, he would become a man with his cousin.

This was like nothing Unicorn had ever done before, everything was wonderful, she didn’t even make him wear a condom. She began by sucking on his limp glittery penis. Then she allowed him to enter her cunt. It was warm and wet, and quite loose, perfect for a young man’s first time. He fucked her for hours into the night, loving every second until Hündin got greedy. In the midst of all the heat and emotion she saw fit to put a finger into his anus, shocking and alarming her young lover. Upon this he immediately ejaculated, and startled and humiliated he fled, not to be seen again for weeks.

He was not his father; he tried to convince himself, he must go back and make her his wife, if only he could overcome the shame. He knew then what he must do. He returned to the unicorn field one night armed with a dagger. He took the dagger to his might father before Riesenschwänze could even realize what was happening. His father was dead. Unicorn Boy rid himself in that very moment of all the pain and shame he felt, it was time to return to Hündin.

Soon enough the two were married and sons were born, they too, like their father, wore the face of a unicorn on the body of a boy.

Unicorn Boy grew up, got a job, got divorced because his whore wife always tried to sodomize his precious anus and he did not like that very much and he eventually killed himself because Hündin really was a nasty bitch and no other woman would ever take him. He was going to drown his sons too, to spare them of the cruel life he was forced to live, but Hündin was able to gain full custody on the grounds of him being an animal, so he never got the chance to. Instead he did a lot of heroin and wrapped a belt around his neck, masturbating furiously until all of his life was drained from him. The End.

Penne with Broccoli, Oil and Garlic.

2011-05-18T22:48:00.005-04:00

When I make Penne with Broccoli, Oil and Garlic, I start by roughly chopping about 10-15 cloves of garlic. Some people prefer their garlic chopped fine- I do not. If you are one of those people you probably prefer to get fucked in your asshole as opposed to your mouth or vagina, so you should stop fucking reading right fucking now you fucking stupid gay nigger.

Ok, I lied. You don’t start by chopping the garlic. You start by filling up a large pot with cold water and placing it on the stove, covered, over high heat. NOW you chop the garlic, and if you aren’t some nigger’s whore you’ll chop it roughly. LARGE. PIECES. Garlic is good for your heart and it’s delicious, and if you chop it too fine when you go to cook it it will burn like the bodies of your children inside my Uncle Bart’s wood stove next Thursday.

Place the roughly chopped garlic in a small container or bowl, or coconut. Or don’t, you could just leave it on your cutting board. That’s what I do because I know not to waste time and coconuts. Now get yourself some fresh heads of broccoli and break off the good parts…that means get rid of the stalks. You want as little stalk as possible in there, but don’t turn the broccoli into tiny little broccoli bits either. Find a happy medium. When all is said and done you want about 3.5 cups of broccoli and you’re gonna want to rinse it off and drain it thoroughly. We’re going to be frying it in grease, and if it’s too wet your dinner will get angry with you before you even start eating it. Angry penne will fuck your mother without a condom and abort its own child with rusty hedge-clippers when she’s sleeping, so don’t play games.

Now that you’ve got your garlic and your broccoli chopped up and ready to go, you’re going to want to assemble your spices and herbs. Kosher salt, black pepper, garlic powder, parsley, basil and oregano should all be present and placed in a convenient location so that they might be called upon to provide flavor whenever you feel it is needed. Think of them like standby bitches at a gangbang…that should make the cooking process a lot sexier for anyone who cares to watch.

Once your water is boiling, dump in about 3 tablespoons of kosher salt, then add your box of penne. You’re going to want to cook it just shy of “al Dente,” which means about a minute or so less than the suggested cooking time. When it’s done, drain the pasta, but DO NOT rinse it off no matter how loud it screams and begs you for mercy. The boiling water is good for their character, they just don’t realize because it’s so painful.

Imagine you’re a piece of penne pasta in a box. Your life began with some unscrupulous Albanian pretending to be an Italian mixing up a whole bunch of fancy flour with water and forcing you, along with your entire family, through a sharp die until you are no longer one with them. Now you’re lying in a pile of your brothers and sisters, who all look the same as you and were only ever created to be boiled alive then ripped to shreds and dissolved in acid.

And you thought your life was scary.

Your pasta is done, set aside, and your spices are assembled and moist. It’s time to Rock ‘N Roll. Or commit suicide. If you’re an orphan you might want to kill yourself, at least then your foster parents won’t be able to beat you anymore. In the same pot you cooked the pasta in, melt 3 tablespoons of butter and pour in 3 tablespoons of extra-virgin olive oil, then dump in the garlic and season it with a nice amount of black pepper. Fry the garlic over medium heat for about 3 minutes, then dump in about a tablespoon each of dried Parsley and Basil, and about a teaspoon of oregano. If you’re a garlic-lover give everything a light sprinkle of garlic powder as well. These measurements don’t have to be exact, but whatever you do don’t get too happy with the oregano, she’s stronger than the other two herbs- like a bodybuilder. If you’re not careful she’ll break the dick off your supper with her immense flavor. Gangbang OVER.

Give everything a stir and throw in your broccoli, then stir it again. Cook for 3 minutes, then add about 1/3 of a cup of white wine. After another 3 minutes, add about 3/5 of the pasta. The other two fifths are a heavily exaggerated representation of how many people in the world will be left after the Apocalypse this Saturday. You have to at least pretend like they’re going to survive, so after dinner put them in a plastic container and place it in the fridge to be eaten later. Once the pasta is back in the pot, cover it with about 1/3 of a cup of grated Pecorino Romano cheese. Crank up your heat source, and stir everything until the broccoli and garlic and fat and cheese are thoroughly incorporated with the pasta. Give it a taste. Does it taste nice? If not, then you probably should add a bit more cheese or herb or pepper or garlic, because this is your last chance to get things right. Cook for another 3 minutes, stirring occasionally, then pull your pants down and fuck what you’ve created. If you have a penis, forcefully thrust it into the pot over and over again until you’ve worked up an appetite for semen. If you have a vagina, stuff the pasta inside of it like your birth canal is a Christmas turkey and cook yourself in a 350 degree oven until your skin is crisp, about 3 hours.

Encouraging speech

2011-04-05T01:41:00.004-04:00

Ladies, Men, kats and kitties. Usually I reserve these sort of things to scold or denounce, to embarrass or belittle. Not tonight. No. Tonight, this night I write to empower and instill. To dignify and enamor. You all have the potential! I see it in your eyes, I hear it in your panting breath as you run as fast as you can to catch up to me! Carry yourselves high, you are in command, the captain of your own shitty, leaky ship!

I do not write you now to procure your admiration, God knows I've had it on a string for years. I write you, on this eve, this brisk night in the early days of Spring, to inform you of MY admiration of you all! You wake up everyday, dragging your sorry selves out of your pathetic beds in your meek living quarters and have the courage to present your vile faces and unkempt bodies to the entire world! Such courage. Such Charisma!

Take these words, all of you, and let them guide you in you day! Carry a smile on your face for it is lighter than a frown! Do not let you're obvious faults slow you down, instead use them as motivation to be better!

thank you.

Music Pick Whenever 11

2011-04-05T00:47:00.003-04:00

Earl Sweatshirt- EARL

Genre: Hip Hop/Rap/Fucking Awesome

Rap is back. Hip Hop is alive once again. 17 year old rapper know only by his moniker Earl Sweatshirt pops the lid off of the most recent rap out there and fills the jar with his own spit, piss and jizz staking his claim as I think the possessor of the best lyrics and flow since a 1999 version of Eminem. The young rapper is part of the hip hop collective of 10 or 11 members, depending on who you ask know as Odd Future Wolf Gang Kills Them All or more briefly, OFWGKTA or just Odd Future, a gaggle of nonchalant and irreverent musicians currently creating quite the stir in not just the rap scene but music in general. Anyway, I digress. In his self tittled debut Earl displays a way beyond his years implementing off ass-dropping beats, accompanied by lyrics filthy enough to peel the paint off of your car and impregnate your girlfriend. It literally walks all over an entire decade of hip hop and rap and, along with other Odd Future works, is becoming the new standard. It's that good. And he was 16 when he made it. Its so dirty it forced his mother to send him to a secluded boarding school. HE WAS 16. The stand out tracks are all of them, but the ones that are absolute gold are the title track "Earl" a sick twisted introduction of himself to us all, "Pigions" which feature Odd Future's founder and leader, Tyler, The Creator, who is just as good as Earl but with a booming voice. The thunder to Earl's lightning. The rest of the tracks are dope and the in house production throughout keep EARL sharp, exciting, and devilishly immature.

Tracks:

1. Thisniggaugly
2. Earl
3. Couch (feat. Ace Creator)
4. Kill
5. Wakeupfaggot
6. Luper
7. epaR (feat. Vince Staples)
8. Moonlight (feat. Hodgy Beats)
9. Pigions (feat. Wolf Haley)
10. Stapleton

This is a ridiculous video, and not for those faint of heart. Seriously, do not watch this if you don't like blood, vomit and silliness.

A good place

2011-03-23T17:01:00.002-04:00

First off, I would like to say I am finally in a very good place. I won't go into details but for the time being, I predict my non-music pick posts will not be so dreary and my music picks will be those of the less angry or depressing variety. Anyway, a couple of other things to note for the time being as well, NotGramps has quit Facebook so a lot cool or funny or absurd things I would be showing him there, I'll instead be posting here so he and all of you can see it. It's probably the best thing thats happened to us in a good long time as far as the blog is concerned.

Okay. so using that last detail as a starting point, I would like to show an excellent video I found on the web featuring scenes from Star Wars: A New Hope all of which feature Darth Vader having his voice overdubbed by James Earl Jones' quotes from other movies, while the other characters normal lines are maintained. It's a nine minute long El Dorado, and basically changed the game for me.

So, you know, watch it. And laugh. Or fuck yourself. It doesn't mater to me.

Prop Culture thoughts

2011-03-22T21:42:00.007-04:00

First and foremost, I received some unpleasant news today from FilmDrunk.com, specifically that the long-awaited World War Z movie adaptation may not get made after all, despite the facts that director Marc Forster (Casino Royale) agreed to cut it to PG-13 and Brad Pitt is producing/starring in it (AND I'VE BEEN WAITING THREE YEARS FOR IT). Considering the crap that Hollywood is fond of green-lighting these days, I don't understand why they see this movie's relatively measly budget ($125 mil) as an unworthy investment of their limp-earned cash. It's simple math-

Brad Pitt + academy award winning Director + FUCKING ZOMBIE WARS = $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

If the Hollywood brass can't crunch those numbers I'd say the movie industry is fucked. It almost seems like they are deliberately trying to make everyone stupid, which might be the case considering we're all going to die a fiery death next year and a weak-minded populace makes for good Doomsday lube, which brings me to my second point.

Dr. Dre is raping my ears just for fun. JUST. FOR FUN.
An apparently leftover track from the long awaited Detox dropped today, and in keeping with his established theme of post-2001 shittiness it sucks, which is to say it sucks for a Dr. Dre track. As a club track it bumps harder than anything I've heard in a while, but I think that's the point. The man is simply taunting us. I listened closely to the lyrics of this monster and if you do the same you will see that he is admittedly taunting us, and it's all part of some sheisty marketing plan he has to dupe us into thinking he's fallen off. The truth of the matter is, nearly everyone who has worked on Detox has been quoted on it as saying that it's going to take not just hip-hop but music on the whole to a new level, specifically that the good doctor has left behind the G-Funk era in favor of something new and exotic, with a healthy dose of that east-coast sting. If you ask me, Dr. Dre uniting East and West coast hip-hop once and for all sounds like some groundbreaking shit, but at this rate I'll be in jail before I get to hear any of it. (I'm presuming lots of rape charges when I graduate and have nothing to do with my life)

Anyway, in the meantime I'll just have to take this little gem as consolation: